Hope!

   January 13, 2015 was 22 years since my life changed drastically. That day I learned that I would become simultaneously obsessed with food and charged with the task of moderating it.  I had to know exactly what was in the things I consumed and I had to avoid over indulgence. My life would also be full of needles pain, and I would have to be vigilant in  my self care to avoid the complications of my new diagnosis - Type 1 Diabetes. I was eleven years old and had to grow up in a single excruciating moment.
   In the beginning of this journey there was anger and sadness, strong willpower at times and weakness at others, times of despair and then there were times of HOPE. Hope that was strong and stoic in the first days, weeks, even years. Born of a little statement uttered at the tail end of many days of training and learning. My Doctor mentioned advancements in the treatment of Type 1 Diabetes AND the probability of a cure in MY lifetime. There it was - that little glimmer of HOPE!
Hope has been the battle cry of great leaders. It has been the rallying force behind winning elections and wars. Here's the thing about hope, though, when it's dashed it can become the down hearted hopeless cynic.
   I think - for most people - hope is like the ocean lapping against the shore. The tide ebbs and wanes, yet never completely goes out. It is the ocean after all - can the waves EVER really disappear?
   In the years that have passed since that day I've experienced much and learned more than I ever could have dreamed of. I have fallen deeply in love with a man I couldn't imagine my life without (It felt like I spent forever waiting for him). He was always by my side as I carried five children within me and welcomed four of them into this world. All the while knowing that not long ago Type 1 Diabetes meant that having children was extremely difficult if not impossible for women like me. It was sometimes a fatal mistake to even try.
   My first three children were all diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes while still in diapers. Those were hard days. Days where I'd chant the "Serenity Prayer" and think of my Granny's mantra "Sometimes you have to just pick yourself up by the bootstraps." I pressed on as so many people must. Impossibly sleepless nights - checking everyone's blood glucose levels - blurred into washed out days of Thankfulness that we had dodge the "Low" bullet. Then there were nights we didn't catch the low quickly enough, which led to times of fear and worry about possible permanent damage. On two occassions I woke up to my oldest paralyzed on one side of her body and unable to communicate. I thought she had surely had a stroke - Several hand wringing hours were spent in Emergency Rooms hoping that she hadn't had a stroke. Hoping that this beast of a tight-wire that is Type 1 Diabetes hadn't claimed my little girls ability to function somewhat normally. Thankfully they were TIA's and she recovered. Other nights we'd  be awoken by blood curdling screams from hallucinations because of a low BG and readings of 27md/dL would send the house into a tailspin adrenaline. A panic and frenzy to bring them up and avoid a catastrophic complication. There are always going to be difficult times in life, but focusing on the times that are beautiful and good - carries me through.
   I have four beautiful children - including a set of twins (talk about a complicated pregnancy) - they are Miracles and that gives me hope. It is certain to get better - in many ways it already has. As sure as I am that i can go to the beach and gaze at that great well of water in her vast strength and beauty - I know there is a reason to HOPE. Sometimes it hard to keep focus on that great entity. Sometimes I forget it's there but, it never truly leaves me.