Thoughts about History and Politics! (Originally written on November 11, 2010)

I spent yesterday looking at some documentaries - trying to find appropriate material for my kids. I am a documentary nut, and really hope to instill curiosity for history in my children. I came across several that made me think about a lot of stuff. In particular, a couple years ago - prior to pulling my kids out to homeschool them. My children came home from class on 9/11 and started questioning what "it" was after hearing a clip on the radio. I was astonished to find that it was not mentioned at all during their school day. While I understand that it can be quite sensitive for some, I think it is increasingly important that children understand as much as they can about the world. My personal philosophy is that I should expose them to EVERYTHING possible, and 9/11 certainly falls in that category. My thoughts that day prompted the following writing about how Politics have affected recent history.

As a society we have elected officials to make laws and policies to remedy societal issues. More recently those issues have much to do with the security of our nation. One Question always remains. What have we lost in the endeavor to obtain what we have gained? Often the things we hold sacred are squandered in such endeavors. We lose these things rarely knowing a loss has occurred; as much of it seems to silently fade in the face of the loudest causes. Not necessarily the most noble, righteous, or even valid causes-simply the most apparent, the most newsworthy. The spirit is slowly chipped away, the mind quiets in confusion. As answers remain illusive, I wonder where have I gone. Where have we gone, we can't even see where it is we are coming from anymore, and historys stories die one generation at a time, leaving little more than an echo of the truth that was never told.

Hope!

   January 13, 2015 was 22 years since my life changed drastically. That day I learned that I would become simultaneously obsessed with food and charged with the task of moderating it.  I had to know exactly what was in the things I consumed and I had to avoid over indulgence. My life would also be full of needles pain, and I would have to be vigilant in  my self care to avoid the complications of my new diagnosis - Type 1 Diabetes. I was eleven years old and had to grow up in a single excruciating moment.
   In the beginning of this journey there was anger and sadness, strong willpower at times and weakness at others, times of despair and then there were times of HOPE. Hope that was strong and stoic in the first days, weeks, even years. Born of a little statement uttered at the tail end of many days of training and learning. My Doctor mentioned advancements in the treatment of Type 1 Diabetes AND the probability of a cure in MY lifetime. There it was - that little glimmer of HOPE!
Hope has been the battle cry of great leaders. It has been the rallying force behind winning elections and wars. Here's the thing about hope, though, when it's dashed it can become the down hearted hopeless cynic.
   I think - for most people - hope is like the ocean lapping against the shore. The tide ebbs and wanes, yet never completely goes out. It is the ocean after all - can the waves EVER really disappear?
   In the years that have passed since that day I've experienced much and learned more than I ever could have dreamed of. I have fallen deeply in love with a man I couldn't imagine my life without (It felt like I spent forever waiting for him). He was always by my side as I carried five children within me and welcomed four of them into this world. All the while knowing that not long ago Type 1 Diabetes meant that having children was extremely difficult if not impossible for women like me. It was sometimes a fatal mistake to even try.
   My first three children were all diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes while still in diapers. Those were hard days. Days where I'd chant the "Serenity Prayer" and think of my Granny's mantra "Sometimes you have to just pick yourself up by the bootstraps." I pressed on as so many people must. Impossibly sleepless nights - checking everyone's blood glucose levels - blurred into washed out days of Thankfulness that we had dodge the "Low" bullet. Then there were nights we didn't catch the low quickly enough, which led to times of fear and worry about possible permanent damage. On two occassions I woke up to my oldest paralyzed on one side of her body and unable to communicate. I thought she had surely had a stroke - Several hand wringing hours were spent in Emergency Rooms hoping that she hadn't had a stroke. Hoping that this beast of a tight-wire that is Type 1 Diabetes hadn't claimed my little girls ability to function somewhat normally. Thankfully they were TIA's and she recovered. Other nights we'd  be awoken by blood curdling screams from hallucinations because of a low BG and readings of 27md/dL would send the house into a tailspin adrenaline. A panic and frenzy to bring them up and avoid a catastrophic complication. There are always going to be difficult times in life, but focusing on the times that are beautiful and good - carries me through.
   I have four beautiful children - including a set of twins (talk about a complicated pregnancy) - they are Miracles and that gives me hope. It is certain to get better - in many ways it already has. As sure as I am that i can go to the beach and gaze at that great well of water in her vast strength and beauty - I know there is a reason to HOPE. Sometimes it hard to keep focus on that great entity. Sometimes I forget it's there but, it never truly leaves me. 

A different side of the story.

I have long refrained from saying controversial things, avoided posting topics that "might" offend those that I know, and worked tirelessly to maintain calm waters within my network of friends, family, and acquaintances. I am tired - sick of holding my belief's in - as I read and listen to others' varying opinions on topics close to my heart. Tired of silencing who I am to fit in with those around me. I don't understand how (some) other's who would scream for "open mindedness" cannot, rather, will not tolerate thoughts that alter from their personal system of values. Why is it that I, an average Joanne (for lack of a better analogy), can have a conversation with a person who's values are diametrically opposed to mine, listen attentively to the points that they make, and attempt to actually place value in their positions despite my personal views - yet, I do not seem to get the same receptiveness from a large number of those very same people. I have WAY too much on my plate to continue tip-toeing around myself in order to save others from being offended. If who I am offends you - I can't help that and I am no less who I am because I do not share those thoughts and opinions - but I do stress and feel like less of myself. I feel like I have led a dishonest life - to some extent - through lies of silence.

There are some who really do  know me. In their lives I am accepted in spite of (or in some cases because of) our differences - we talk about views, we even inspire each other to look into topics we may have strong opinions of - yet shallow true knowledge. In that way, we reciprocate our friendship, acknowledge our differences, and sometimes even inspire growth in one another. We have dialogue and debate instead of arguments and alienation. I want more relationships that play to that tune!

My entire point, here - in this writing - is to say that I am going to try to be more true to who I am and what I believe: in the thoughts I share and how I interact with others'.

Love me if you will and accept me as I am. I promise to reciprocate the respect and understanding I am given. If you cannot, however, fulfill that desire then here our paths MAY part. If you go, please leave knowing that I will always appreciate the company I  had when we shared the journey and I am thankful for having had you in my life.

Two!

There are days when I wake up so full of life and love that I could just burst. Thinking of those days is what gets me through the days when I wake up tired and overwhelmed. Today was an overwhelming day. I started by dragging one of my sleepy little munchkins from bed while the other three ran around the house like they were on caffeine highs. We struggled through the usual morning routine (which for us is multiple blood sugar checks, medicines, and digging through the clean clothes I forgot to fold to find missing pieces to outfits while trying to keep my two year old from terrorizing his older siblings: Steven has taken to biting as a hobby). Then out the door to get groceries to make something for Rebekah's bridging ceremony in Girl Scouts on Saturday and decorations and food for our upcoming BBQ/Birthday Party on Sunday. As usual my girls engaged in their love/hate antics as soon as we got into the car. Gabriel decided it would be a great idea to start touching Rebekah much to her behest, which then caused her usual high pitched (I have huge lungs) screaming. I hadn't even made it down the street out of our neighborhood at this point. To make things easier, my older sister offered to let Rebekah run around on errands with her for the morning (thank God for family). My girls tend to butt heads a lot, so if just one of them is away from the picture (either one) my errands are done more quickly and sometimes they are done without too much insanity. Today would not be one of those sometimes.

Side note: I carry Steven around in a back pack, Ergo style, carrier most of the time because it keeps him close and I can focus better on the tasks at hand and the other more mobile munchkins (who have a tendency to be drawn - like a moth to a flame - in the presence of anything bright and/or shiny away from the safety of my supervision.

So, at BJ's, Steven was hanging out on my back as Nikaila, Gabriel, and I traipsed through the store. We were on the hunt for a plethora of things for the party. Steven decided that he would start applying his previously discussed hobby (biting) to my back. I am sure that many a patron got a real kick out of watching the "don't dance like this" lessons I began to demonstrate. Steven wanted to get down and thought I might give if he made the ride more uncomfortable for the ride-ee. It did not work, I would not give in, but geese I need to get this biting thing to stop or I may cave one of these days (any ideas are gladly accepted).

Later, at OFD (Organic Food Depot), Steven decided that since the biting hadn't worked at the previous location he would resort to smacking my head and using my pony tail like reigns. I guess he figured that since he was in a saddle of sorts, this is horse back riding and that the pony tail must be there for him to grab and pull and pull and pull.

Through out the day Steven exhibited his newly found "I can escape from anything" talents. Yes folks, he has figured out the car seats restraint system and he is quite adept at removing those "Oh so inhibiting" straps from his personage. After his self realized escape (which usually includes a small, or sometimes large, battle with his older sister who has tried to no avail to keep him in) he very proudly stands up and declares victory over the seat with relentless giggling.

After picking Rebekah up and arriving home, Steven proceeded to continue experimenting with the reactivity of older siblings to painful stimuli (might his future endeavors include scientific experimentation?). Needless to say, today was not a "Terrific Two's Day," not even a "Terrible Two's Day." Today was a "Terrorist Two's Day."

This is where having a better day to remember, and look forward to, is my saving grace. Were it not for those beautiful, happy, ambitious, "I can take on the world" days, I fear that all of the marbles in my head may have already taken cannon ball style leaps through my ears. So, here's to tomorrow, may it be beautiful, yet somewhat more boring than today!

Me!

I decided that blogging would be a great way to add my two cents to the pot of opinion. In addition I can keep records of things I come across that I find helpful, harmful, or just plain interesting (articles, products, information, etc.). So to start things off I would like to make my first entry an introduction of sorts.

I am a mother to four beautiful children (Nikaila, Gabriel, Rebekah, and Steven). I have been married (legally for 7 years in January) to my husband Leroy (though we often call him by Lenny). I started homeschooling this year after a few too many hiccups in my children's public education. I am currently breastfeeding my near 26 month old son (this will continue until we mutually agree that it has been long enough). I also work part time as a Teachers Assistant in Adult Basic Education. I am hoping that blogging will serve both as an instrument for information on things I have experienced (both factual and opinion based) as well as to serve as my sounding board for what is "my life." It has been many years now since I last wrote on a regular basis, for any reason at all, so this may be a bit of a long start (I have to get my composition skills re-tuned). I can make no promises as to how often I will be able to contribute to my blog, but I hope it is often and that it becomes a useful tool to others who may seek information regarding similar life experiences. I offer little to knowledge that is vast, but I have experienced much within the realms of some topics. As time allows I will be adding specifics as to my birth experiences with my children, the individual journeys that brought us to now, and simple stories. I cannot promise that my life will intrigue you at all, but I hope that my life can teach something to someone one day.

My current favorite quote: The limits of your language are the limits of your world. ~Ludwig Wittgenstein